Aint No Di*k Worth My Sanity...

Your eyes are not decieving you. You read the title correctly. Moments of feeling "Crazy In Love" to "Hopeless" and every emotion in between. Frankly Ive had enough. Had one of those infamous fallouts today. Luckily there was no cash register, honey buns, or Chickets nearby, because I would have cleared ALL that shit. I cant believe how Ive been holding on to what was/is not meant to be. Memories of the not so far distant past wearing me down. My letting go is long overdue and while I get it, it didnt stop me from seeing them in a photo together and collapsing in a  fit of tears in my hallway. Sort of caught me like food poisoning from that bogus sub spot on Cottage, out of nowhere. I tried to put the image out of my head, stood up, then my knees just said 'Fu*k it'. Before I knew what happened I found my big grown lady self sobbing by my linen closet. Hard. The kind of crying that makes you sleepy afterward. And I felt so ashamed of myself. I know what "Dude" is about. This has been since 2010,so its not brand new. But today though, it felt like someone snatched the band aid off or left the relaxer in way too long. It BURNED. After I collected myself and  put my face back on , I realized that I had not pushed him to the back of my memory bank as I kept telling myself. He is still well at the forefront and he doesnt deserve that spot. Unfortunately, Ive kept him there. Humorous anecdotes and such. Its time out for all that. Why keep driving myself nuts like this? Its over. We're done. No matter how he may still cockblock and ask to come over, its a done deal . When its all said and done, he carries on with his life while Im left with withdrawal symptoms and a case of the shakes. Cant let another man get close because I still have this idiot on my brain. If you wont say it, I'll say it for you: Im playing myself. Im probably going to eat a bowl of oatmeal and cry some more tonight,just to get it out.Dont trip, I NEED that. But I also need to finally end this. I'll be most proud of myself when I can see him, not get nervous,and rebuff any advances he makes, because he IS going to make them.Me telling him "Thanks but no thanks" and strutting off into the night with awesome hair and tight jeans.Yeah. That's my finishline...