Thanks For Nothing ...

I was terrified to begin the conversation, but I knew it must be had. We had been seeing each other for a few months, literally like three; and after the time we've shared, movies watched, sandwiches made and all, the feelings were inevitable. Fought it at first before finally saying  "Screw it, I deserve to take a dip in the pool of pixie dust again after 'Dude' ". Yeah well, I see how successful that was. I knew something was amiss when he seemed distracted, and going through my own battlefield of bullshit, I didnt dwell on it. There's something else that I did though that I had to check myself on. Knowing that I want something much more meaningful at this point in my life , I allowed myself to play like I was content with our psuedo relationship when I was clearly dying on the inside. I laughed it off and joked about my "Tender Moments", but I honestly felt something more than I expected. So when the time came that I could no longer keep my sentiments to myself, I was afraid of what might be said, but I knew I had to put on my Big Girl panties and just brace myself. He told me how he enjoys me, Im dope and blah blah blah, but that he's basically not ready for what he knows I want and need at this time. Now while I can respect his honesty in that I asked and he told me, Im pissed! Im admittedly disappointed that my selection of suitors obviously is the worst ever and that I wasted time that I cannot get back . Dont get me wrong, I had a good time, but if half my time is spent wondering what youre doing and where you are versus actually being with you , its doomed. Just keeping it real. Then this thing we do. Ladies, men, all of us. We say "Oh, Im just doing me, dating , nothing more". Being truthful, until we find that one we cant live without , we're test driving . But the object of it all is to find that "great deal" that's too good to pass, and if anyone says theyre not , theyre lying. NO ONE wants to end up alone. You may want to play the field and be a slore for a moment, and that's cool .On this side of reality though, we want someone to call our own. Hell , even Dude got married. Im glad the discussion was had , because I couldnt take the suspense anymore. Everyone deserves to know where they stand while dealing with another . I now know that Im not his top priority. Im not saying Im cool with that, but guess what , I have to be. I cant make someone feel what they dont or be somewhere they dont want to. And thats where today Im most proud of myself. That I can take that news and not go nuts. I can accept it like a grown up , and live life like I should. He'll come back , like they ALL do. He might be ready , I may not . Whatever  the case or situation at that time , I will know I did my best . My King will come, and thank God my heart has yet to be spoiled by bitterness so that he can have the best me possible...