And God Said "Ha!!!" ...

Back in the days when I was a teenager, I dreamed of becoming a filmmaker. And DJ. And lawyer. And, well, you get the point I'm trying to make here. I wanted to go away to college and live like the kids on A Different World (without Whitley's bougie ass) and I had big plans and even greater desires. Then life called and left a message that said ,ahem," You can't always get what you want...". Yeah. Exactly. I didn't go away to school and gained 40 lbs that first semester after high school graduation; eating  myself further into my depression. Eh. Then I registered for school so I could start the following January and everything began to fall into place. Fast forward a few years to 2002 when 2 months prior to graduation I had a terrible accident where I broke everything from my assh*le to my appetite. The surgical team had to call Humpty Dumpty's homies to come put me back together because I was a shattered mess. Literally. I managed to come out the following year though. Proud of that I must say. However with so much focus on my recovery I didn't take job searching seriously. I'll be the very first to admit that. I worked a small job that I really didn't like but it was cool. I lived at home with my folks, no bills or responsibility, so I was good. Then I decided to get grown and moved in with 'Him'. Put on the Family Matters music folks, because this is where things get tragic. My first 'grown up' relationship, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. More drama than VH1 and Bravo reality programming schedules COMBINED. Geezus !!! Finally came my little one, and life sent me back to back text messages that told me I needed a job. Any job, because now I had a mouth to feed besides my own. Shit got real, and I had to grow up real quick.  Never mind that I was like 30, but when you've never had to do it before its something out of this world. I again entered a job that I didn't like and began to hate, but I had to do it. Fast forward to 2013 and I lost that job. I got an email from the man upstairs that told me everything happens for a reason. Financially things are rather berserk right now but somehow Im the happiest Ive been in more than a decade. All those aspirations I had when I was a kid and life saw a different path. We make plans to map out what we believe will be an easy road and the heavens above say " Stop! Wait a minute!" I had to realize that while I have a certain amount of control, I don't have the final say. None of us do. That's when I just smile, as I opened a fortune cookie that read "Laughter makes it all a little better". I laughed. And just like that , I felt better....

Got To Be Real....

         Cuffing season is upon us yet again . You already know: you BS'ed all summer with folks who either didnt matter or you had high hopes for,and now its do or die time. I cant really say I did either. I mean, I went on a few dates but homie seems REALLY busy (or just plain uninterested) and thats pretty much the end of that story. Non eventful.And everyone knows non eventful equals complete and utter boredom for one Ms. Diva. Eh. Better luck next time. But as I see people,friends,and associates meet potential matches made in heaven, Im like 'What the hell am I doing wrong?' Well, I don't know if its completely wrong, but Ive gotten down to the bottom of this Scooby Doo mystery called my love life...
          I used to get miffed when people would ask me why I didnt have a man. I did. Id get real pissed because 1) its none of their business and 2)I wondered the same damn thing. After so many moons of absolute romantic blunders, I figured a few things out...
          As much as it burns my lips to say this, I admit I was still in love(or whatever,LOL) with Dude. Ive purposely sabotaged decent dates because honestly my heart wasnt ready. I told myself and all of you that I was done,UHH UHH, no ma'am,Iam over him! Not a chance. I knew for certain when everywhere I turned I saw his face and heard his voice, tossed and turned in bed missing his comfort and broke out in stone cold crying fits on more than one occasion. Yes. It happened. So my first step towards recovery was being real with myself because I denied my feelings for so long. Then I realized that I was totally spoiled by the first of my 'only five boyfriends' and somehow expected these new age men to behave the same way. Not to say that type of man no longer exists because I know they do, but I think most of them took an extended vacation off the coast of Bali or some shit and didnt bother to tell me.While I wondered where all the  good guys went , I remembered that I treated the hell outta some of them because of my widdle feelings that still remained.(Whoops).Finally I saw an old friend(a 20+ year homie) that I used to be MADLY in love with when I was a mere Diva In Training and I reflected on the pure and honest way I felt about him and only a few after. That spark. That little something extra that would make me smile for no reason at all. That made me forget all my cares and worries.That made me know love was real and not a figment of the imagination. Truth is I want to feel all of  that again and lately it just wasnt there.I tried,but I suppose its not genuine if you have to push too hard...
           So fast forward to today. Ive been honest with myself (and now all of you ) about my needs and wants. Do I expect to marry Prince Charming tomorrow? No. But I will allow myself to see what is out there without automatically putting my privacy wall up. I know this is a crazy world and I need to be guarded on some level, but not to the extent that I had been. That was ridiculous. I need to be truthful and stop using people to pass the time if I know good and gaddamn well they are placeholders. I dont want anyone to do that to me,so  when it did and I found out what time it was , it sucked. I no longer want to be responsible for anyone's hurt feelings. Ive had mine hurt enough. Just ask the clean-up crew at Walgreens about that situation in aisle 4...

Getcho WHOLE Life...

Why does like/love have to be so hard? I mean, its not hard to feel those feelings, but when you find someone that you can express them with, there's often some foolery in the mix that's unnecessary. I like/love you. You like/love me. So what's the gaddamn problem ? Ive NEVER ventured into a situation only to tell homie that Ive changed my mind. Or suddenly disappeared. Or got married. The one that gets even the slightest pass got locked up in the midst of us dating, so he doesnt count. But the others? What the hell is that? As if I look like I just waste my time for fun. No. I dont. If I was looking for games I'd be addicted to that freaking Candy Crush like everyone else! It sucks that ,even briefly, that one person makes me look at men completely different,like they all have tails and devil horns when I know that isnt the case. When they play the super nice guy but are assholes all the same. Its really pretty sad. Its incidents like this that keep people in a shell , never wanting to open themselves up to anyone, even someone who may be that real deal. If youre not ready to get into a situation with someone, just dont do it. Dont get into it to pass the time only to later have some grand epiphany that you simply are not ready to give yourself to anyone just yet. If thats how you feel, do something else! Read a book. Do laundry. Do the Kid N Play with your next door neighbor, but dont hurt someone that youve lured into your life. That is very messy and tacky. In the end, you wont be friends and you wont have that person's respect. And you Sir, certainly do not have mine. GOOD DAY!!!

Skinny Bitches Do What???

Miss Monique. She looks great, doesn't she? Awesome, a reported 82 lb. weight loss over the course of a three year period. I think its great, especially since I know she wanted to get her health right. I mean, she's still a young woman with young children. I get it. What I don't get though ,and am a little confused by, is why she chose not to openly share this part of her journey. She was so vocal about how evil skinny bitches are (which I partly agree with. I'm not skinny by a long shot,but I turn into Michael Myers when I'm hungry),and how being Fat and Fabulous was all that. WRONG!! WRONG!! While I'm totally a champion for self confidence and self respect, the best thing we can all do is take care of ourselves first and foremost. I applaud her efforts to be a stronger , healthier woman. I just wonder, why didn't she take her fans along for the ride? Now I know its not easy. Hell, I'm over here sweating to the oldies with Richard Simmon's perm having ass my damn self. Losing weight is a hard job. It means commitment to a lifestyle change. Sure you can have a doctor snap your stomach to the size of a newborn's and after you've shriveled up to nothing start flexing on Instagram. Monique didn't do that though. She literally worked her ass off, and that is no small feat. But now there's a gaggle of fat hoes across the world looking at her like,"What the hell is this?" In that respect, I'm a little salty with her. I mean damn, we only saw her sporadically after her talk show ended, and those were in shots snapped on the low by paparazzi. She never came out in her typical loud fashion just to tell her audience(Monique voice)"Yassssss Baby! Iam working out and you can do it too! Come do  this with me Babies!" None of that. This broad just shows up one day looking like gaddamn Before and After! Come on ,Hun. Again, she looks great and I'm not discounting that. Plus those edges are snatched into that bun like never before . Total awesome sauce, but I really think that with her star power (and voice that carries, Gawd she's loud),she could've been the voice that so many of us desperately need. When we feel we cant do it alone. That getting fit is impossible. When that steaming pot of whatever is in the kitchen calling our names at 2 am. Sorry. Went off into my own personal struggles,LOL. Truthfully speaking , getting fit IS possible, and she has proven that . I'm proud of what she's accomplished. Just wish she grabbed her folks by the hand as she made her changes. I just have one question though: How does she feel about skinny bitches now??

The Allure...

Crazy how attraction can be. Sure,more often than not its merely physical.At first at least. Then its the oddest things that you may have never thought would pull you closer to someone. Physically ,my type varies. I used to be strictly into tall ,big men. Dated a few that werent that tall or that big, and my feelings about that whole thing changed. Ive always liked those with curly hair and chin clefts,AKA 'Superhero Chins'. Just one of those things. Outside of my love for those that look like Philip Michael Thomas, a must is smarts . Never been into the dumb jocks. The artsy types always intrigued me. Brainy guys that could help me  out in class when I know good and damn well I should have studied the night before instead of watching 12 straight hours of reruns of  Different Strokes. Thats what I like. Everybody has their 'something' . Some like glasses. Some like big butts. Whatever it is, make sure it doesnt blind you and prevent you from seeing what's really there.I too have been guilty of allowing the superficial to guide my head and my heart straight to hell.Sure he too raps (yeah I know, which one doesnt),but he was cute, had the chin thingy and used his nouns and verbs properly. Thats what pulled me in, but Lord knows it should have been left alone. Hello is as far as that should have gone.But oh no . Not me. Went in a little deeper and it was all wrong. I watch the news, he watches Jackass. I sip Remy, he sips Lean. Uh uh. I would call to see how his day was going and he gave one word answers. What happened to that awesome wordsmith I fell for? Maybe he got lost  somewhere between the kitchen and the bathroom, because I had no idea who this fella was. Good thing though, before I fell too hard and feelings got too involved it ended. However so many times we dont end the affair and we clearly see that things are not going to work. Somehow led by the idea that"nothing's perfect" ,and while that is true, we already know the situation is doomed. We're human , we live and we learn,but the reality is people are shallow. Shallow in our hearts and shallow in our minds. I know I can be, so Im not pointing fingers or singling anyone out. While it may be tempting to go in head first, just know everything that looks good isnt always good for you. If your mom ever told you that, thank her. She was trying to save yo ass...

Aint No Di*k Worth My Sanity...

Your eyes are not decieving you. You read the title correctly. Moments of feeling "Crazy In Love" to "Hopeless" and every emotion in between. Frankly Ive had enough. Had one of those infamous fallouts today. Luckily there was no cash register, honey buns, or Chickets nearby, because I would have cleared ALL that shit. I cant believe how Ive been holding on to what was/is not meant to be. Memories of the not so far distant past wearing me down. My letting go is long overdue and while I get it, it didnt stop me from seeing them in a photo together and collapsing in a  fit of tears in my hallway. Sort of caught me like food poisoning from that bogus sub spot on Cottage, out of nowhere. I tried to put the image out of my head, stood up, then my knees just said 'Fu*k it'. Before I knew what happened I found my big grown lady self sobbing by my linen closet. Hard. The kind of crying that makes you sleepy afterward. And I felt so ashamed of myself. I know what "Dude" is about. This has been since 2010,so its not brand new. But today though, it felt like someone snatched the band aid off or left the relaxer in way too long. It BURNED. After I collected myself and  put my face back on , I realized that I had not pushed him to the back of my memory bank as I kept telling myself. He is still well at the forefront and he doesnt deserve that spot. Unfortunately, Ive kept him there. Humorous anecdotes and such. Its time out for all that. Why keep driving myself nuts like this? Its over. We're done. No matter how he may still cockblock and ask to come over, its a done deal . When its all said and done, he carries on with his life while Im left with withdrawal symptoms and a case of the shakes. Cant let another man get close because I still have this idiot on my brain. If you wont say it, I'll say it for you: Im playing myself. Im probably going to eat a bowl of oatmeal and cry some more tonight,just to get it out.Dont trip, I NEED that. But I also need to finally end this. I'll be most proud of myself when I can see him, not get nervous,and rebuff any advances he makes, because he IS going to make them.Me telling him "Thanks but no thanks" and strutting off into the night with awesome hair and tight jeans.Yeah. That's my finishline...

Bow Down On Deez Nuts,Beyonce...

Ohhh dear Beyonce, what are we going to do with you? First you told us that it was "Me,Myself,and I", then "Girls Run The World" ,now youre telling us to "Bow Down Bitches"??? Exactly who is it that you want to bow down? The loyal millions that buy everything that Mrs.Carter touches? Your faithful 'Stans',cuz you've surpassed having fans a loooooong time ago, Hunty.Or is it your haters, cuz you know everyone that dismisses or dislikes anything that little miss precious Creole princess puts out is most certainly 'hating'....Dammit Beyonce ,I need answers! Youve created this image, your image, of this pristine young lady that is just regal, sort of like Prince Akeem. You attempted to show your human side in that self directed documentary you put out. I wont front , I enjoyed it. I would have liked it better with some home movies of your mama whooping your daddie's ass once she found out about that sideline baby, but I digress.Youve worked so hard to be a class act, what the hell is this sideshow sh*t? Sorry Sweetie,you built these expectations and now you must live up to  them. Think about it, aint nobody gave a sh*t about Brian McKnight after that damn "Squirting" song. I mean, ewww.So for you to come to us , haters,fans and Stans,and tell us to 'Bow Down',its a wack ass move.Then, to pull the ol' chop and screw out your hat....We get it. Youre from Houston,but youre not some new R&B wannabe trying to make a name. Youre fu*king Beyonce. Now act like it and make some decent, legitimate music that I still wont play...Please and thank you.

Same Time, Craig...

It's so funny how I can give poignant,'right on time' advice to others, yet still manage to make the dumbest choices at times. Sort of like asking Stevie Wonder for driving or dart shooting pointers. I havent been on this earth this long and havent learned nothing, but I still fall for the okie doke. Yes, I know my worth. Yes,I feel I deserve the best. Have my decisions always reflected this? Hell to the no! I saw him and felt an R.Kelly kinda vibe (get ya mind out the gutter)...'My mind's telling me noooo,but my body's telling me YESSSSSS!!!' .I played it mad cool, but everything in me melted like butter. Not just any butter either. That good restaurant butter that they bring with the rolls to the table.Things went however they went, but I was mad disappointed in myself. Why? Because I thought I was past that. That 'Im Every Woman' speech didnt do sh*t when he gave me that look. You know the look. Stop playing. I've told myself on many occasions that if I happen to see him or if my phone rings to just let it be. What do I do? Just the damn opposite. My mind knows full well what to do and how to do it. My heart on the other hand hasnt quite grasped the concept. It still feels a little tug at times. When a certain song plays. When I past places we've been to together. My heart needs a good talking to. Maybe I can stage an intervention with my heart and mind to get this all straightend out,because right now, Im a mess...

May God Bless Your Soul..

About an hour ago I found out that a longtime friend passed away over then weekend. I learned this, matter of factly while scrolling through my Facebook page. Since we didnt share many friends in common,and I hadnt seen the story on the news, I had no idea. Its late, Im up, my eyes are swollen and my head hurts. This is the second close friend Ive lost in 3 months. I dont consider many to be good friends, so you can only imagine how this feels. We met like 16 years ago and briefly dated, but that didnt work. So we were awesome friends after that.I have so many of the illest memories of this guy , its tearing me up to think he's gone. My son loved him , and just said screw it to calling him by his name and just called him "Dude!". I was just talking about him and how he loved his boys like no one would believe. How we would take rides up Lake Shore Drive and just talk about nothing. Absolutely nothing, yet have the best time. How he had the best backyard birthday parties.How we would automatically crack up when a particular Tracy Lee record would come on(long story). The intensely private things he would share with me, and just how good a friend he was to me. Just hit me Im speaking in past tense about my homie off 83rd. Hope I can get some sleep tonight. Wish I could talk to my buddy one last time. My Lord this hurts,but I know sometimes the good die young. Time was short, but well served. Made a large impact on a lot of people.He was the youngest and extra spoiled, but there was nothing he wouldnt do for anyone. His willingness to help coincided with his untimely demise. Nevertheless , I know he's still watching over us. I will always love you Will, and may your soul rest in peace...

Ode To My Smart Dudes..

Since I was younger Ive always liked boys that were smart. Or at least well spoken. Never liked the "Uhhhh"type guys (except for that one that said ' huh' all the time). I guess that's why towards my teen years I fell hard for emcees.You know, rappers. Even if they skipped classes, they still paid attention to detail and wordplay,and the vast vocabulary drove me NUTS!!! The boys that watched documentaries and liked watching the History channel. That's dope to me. What kills me is that they're not whats popping. I guess its kinda cool, I mean, leaves more of them available to me, but they arent popular. Never really have been. The dope boy, hustler, baller. They seem to be the ladies  choice. Not me though. I wont sit here and lie and tell yall I wanted a Urkel ass nigga, but I liked the bookworms. That kinda cute boy that wasnt the most popular,but had something attractive about him like a dimpled chin,or curly hair. I was cool, but I wasnt the flyest. I liked to talk about obscure things, and thats usually what got their attention,unless I had  tight jeans on that day. They let me eyeball their tests, and I would give my number in exchange. Yeah I did it. So what? Even still, to this day, that well spoken man is who gets(and keeps) my attention. Large words that most dont understand,yet werent made up and really exist?? I melt like butter. Smart guys cared so little about looking /being cool,opposed to taking care of business. Even as Ive grown up, lot of those "cool" guys are still pretty much 18 in every sense, whereas the others moved on and made good.. I salute all the intellegent fellas ,from every school,every hood. DiddyBop still loves you!!!

Peace To Sweet Brown...

New year, new shenanigans. Im a year older as of January 1st,and I feel it too. No, not the achiness of my right knee when I know its about to geddown outside. I mean mentally. Spiritually. I somehow feel like a new woman . I used to worry about so much. I  let so much bother me and I let a lot get by that never should have made it to the light of day. Eff that. When my childhood friend of 30 years passed away suddenly in October ,then immediately after another member of our crew announced a terminal illness,I said enough is enough. Ive spent enough time in this rut. Always in fear of whats next. Dealing with foolish negros and their antics because Im bored or lonely, or both. Content (somehow) with not being happy. In the words of my favorite blue eyed soul duo, I cant go for that. I try my best to be  good to others, especially those that are good to me. To be a good mother to my little one. To acknowledge that I too deserve happiness and settling is , to quote King Joffrey Jofer, "beneath me". 36 year old me wants to experience the good side of life like never before. I need a vacation. I want to learn how to DJ. Continue to write and hopefully inspire someone, somehow. Embark on a career as a comedy writer. Try full figured modeling.Aside from pushing me onto Marcus James' porch for my first kiss, my homegirl's departure from this life pushed me to go for the gaddamn gusto. To smile,thank God, and kiss my baby when I wake up. To be comfortable in my own skin with no apologies. I could look at my issues and complain, but aint nobody got time for that!!