Thanks For Nothing ...

I was terrified to begin the conversation, but I knew it must be had. We had been seeing each other for a few months, literally like three; and after the time we've shared, movies watched, sandwiches made and all, the feelings were inevitable. Fought it at first before finally saying  "Screw it, I deserve to take a dip in the pool of pixie dust again after 'Dude' ". Yeah well, I see how successful that was. I knew something was amiss when he seemed distracted, and going through my own battlefield of bullshit, I didnt dwell on it. There's something else that I did though that I had to check myself on. Knowing that I want something much more meaningful at this point in my life , I allowed myself to play like I was content with our psuedo relationship when I was clearly dying on the inside. I laughed it off and joked about my "Tender Moments", but I honestly felt something more than I expected. So when the time came that I could no longer keep my sentiments to myself, I was afraid of what might be said, but I knew I had to put on my Big Girl panties and just brace myself. He told me how he enjoys me, Im dope and blah blah blah, but that he's basically not ready for what he knows I want and need at this time. Now while I can respect his honesty in that I asked and he told me, Im pissed! Im admittedly disappointed that my selection of suitors obviously is the worst ever and that I wasted time that I cannot get back . Dont get me wrong, I had a good time, but if half my time is spent wondering what youre doing and where you are versus actually being with you , its doomed. Just keeping it real. Then this thing we do. Ladies, men, all of us. We say "Oh, Im just doing me, dating , nothing more". Being truthful, until we find that one we cant live without , we're test driving . But the object of it all is to find that "great deal" that's too good to pass, and if anyone says theyre not , theyre lying. NO ONE wants to end up alone. You may want to play the field and be a slore for a moment, and that's cool .On this side of reality though, we want someone to call our own. Hell , even Dude got married. Im glad the discussion was had , because I couldnt take the suspense anymore. Everyone deserves to know where they stand while dealing with another . I now know that Im not his top priority. Im not saying Im cool with that, but guess what , I have to be. I cant make someone feel what they dont or be somewhere they dont want to. And thats where today Im most proud of myself. That I can take that news and not go nuts. I can accept it like a grown up , and live life like I should. He'll come back , like they ALL do. He might be ready , I may not . Whatever  the case or situation at that time , I will know I did my best . My King will come, and thank God my heart has yet to be spoiled by bitterness so that he can have the best me possible...

Kiss My ENTIRE Ass...

A few things: The last few weeks have been hell on wheels for me. I try to stay positive , but everybody has their breaking point. so I'd personally like to extend a hearty FUCK YOU  to the following individuals...
1. My dumb ass doctor. Ive been in pain constantly for over a month and while you have no problem collecting that money for those office visits, you cant find anything wrong. Go back to medical school, bitch.
2.The lil dude I was just seeing. Apparently all you dated before me was ratchet hoes, and you got scared when you saw what I was about. But dont fucking waste my time , acting like you down , then vamp . As history notes , I will blast yo ass. Ask Rapper Dude. At this point I have no time for foolishness. So fuck you, Mr. Hardy,yo lame ass rap career, yo car, yo store, and yo life...
3.the BD.May karma grind you into dog food...

This concludes today's edition of "Those That Can Kiss My Ass". Have a great day...

"Talking That Extra Hard Junk and Prolly A Punk"...

              What's good faithful friends? I know its been quite some time since Ive put a little flava in your ear...or eyes..or, whatever the hell. Yall have been deprived of your  hardcore shenanigans . Its not that Ive been lacking in the "this sh*t's ridiculous" department , but I had to get hold of my thoughts before one of you all called the people and had me locked down on a 72 hour hold, you feel me? So much to share, so little space to type. Lawd where do I begin??
                Well for starters, my dear fans of the "Rapper Dude" saga, that tale has had a few added layers,which always makes for excellent literature. Actually it would make for an awesome made for tv movie,entitled "Me and The Rapping Ass Nigga That Did Too Much"... Has a nice ring to it, dontcha think? Anyway, aside from that garbage,Im still on that neverending trek to finding solace within myself. You see, the thing about me is that I refuse to lie to myself. All those twists and turns on the European leg of the tour with You Know Who, I knew he wasnt on sh*t. I was bored, a little lonely and stuck on that Green Tea peen( details will be provided at my Ladies First seminar in October, LOL). However, after falling out in Walgreens a few times and sending him anonymous hate mail, I realized I had to get it together. Stop playing myself. Understand that I too am deserving of a nice fella who is not a player, sincere, attentive, and can read. The last few years were enough to drive the average female to fake her death and move to another country, but I believe Im stronger than that. The thing is, am I too strong now? Am I too tough, hardened by the hurt that I experienced?
                   I'd like to believe that Im good, Im emotionally available , but Im not so sure. It sucks to feel as if you really have begun to like someone, but are constantly fighting yourself, not allowing yourself to just 'go with it'. Always second guessing and giving yourself the 'side eye'. Im so scared of falling. Its rather rotten, I must say. Im the level headed one, giving my people sound advice but I cant seem to follow it.The mistakes of those from my past should not be thrust upon one who could very well be my future. Im pissed off about some sh*t a nigga did in '09, and the new guy thinks Im going through the change or something. I just need to be mindful , take it slow, and proceed with an open heart. I mean , if the new Boo acts up, I can always blast him here, right???

She'll Always Be My Mommy....

        And so today is the day Hallmark deemed most important to honor our mothers. That's cool I guess. Today, me and Moms have no real special plans. Just chillin, no makeup, a few drinks and some Martin on cable today. I cant wait for a specific day to show her my love. She must know every day,and I make sure she does. Wanna know why? Follow me now...
         My mother is like my freaking hero. She is who I continue to learn from everyday. When it comes to having that tough skin so the world doesn't completely break me down, she taught me that. Not bringing my dates around my son? All her.Doing all I can to be the best me possible? Yep, you guessed it. Moms. So many lessons that I continue to learn . The level of support is unparallelled. She is the one who calls me over to eat dinner, knowing  haven't gotten paid yet . Day care on that bullsh*t,she dropped me a check. The ex came to the house wildin,trying to pull it? She had the strap on her side. I'm grown as hell, and some days I just wanna go be with my mommy,cuz she still makes me feel as if she's my protector in this cruel world. I lay my head on her chest and I feel better. It hasn't always been easy, but she never complained. She,with the aid of my grandparents, raised my brother and I to have ethics and morals, to be stand up people. Ive been told I'm a good girl, classy. And you already know who I got it from.Ol Debbie G...

Once Bitten...

Im terrified of falling in love. Yes . I said it . Im totally afraid of allowing myself emotional freedom and giving my all to one that may not take care of it. That I may make a foolish mistake and lose it. That I may devote my love to someone that on the surface, acts as if he wants to be with me when all along he's actually pining for someone else. That he may cheat. That he may stray as soon as he commits. That he'll make illegitimate babies that when I see them I have to act as if it doesnt hurt to look in their sweet innocent faces pissed because I know what got them here.That he will not have been hurt himself to the point where he cannot accept it from me. I dont wake up every morning with these notions in my head, but they do scare me nonetheless. Hey , Im as honest as they come. I only can hope that 'he' will be too...

Bitch Be Gone...

     Boy I tell you , the longer you live the more you learn . Im learning more about myself everyday,and even more about others. I have long abandoned the "Woe is me" thought of being , but I see that not everyone has, or is even trying to. There seems to be a certain comfort in feeling that the world is against you ,therefore you're left to be defensive and feel sorry for yourself. For anyone that is offended by the words to come,I dont give a damn. A wake up call is just what you need...
     I attended a talk show taping disguised as a workshop last week. I had a great time, connected with some old friends , had some welcome exchanges. It was a decent excursion. The topic was something about single ladies(when it airs I'll be sure to let you know exactly what the title is),and why so many women today are single. Many issues were brought to light, needing a daddy , being a control freak, playing the victim,etc. While I understand those feelings arise, the truth of the matter is that often , WE get in our own way.(Here's where some feelings might get hurt..)
     Being a bitter bitch is passe'. All the 'He did me wrong' talk is so tired its crazy. The extra attitude, flip mouth,desperation...it speaks volumes about how you really feel inside about yourself! All my Shenanigans followers know that I'd been having a rough go of it after that nuclear meltdown of a situation between me and 'Rapper Dude',but I had to get control of myself. I couldnt let that define me. With that said, for the ever breathing life of me dont understand many women. I just dont. I can't sit for hours on end and bash my son's father. He's a dick.com,the end. I witnessed so many women in that audience try so hard and do so much , I swear I was ready to set up shop with a vendor's cart selling Gatorade backstage. They had attitudes about what past loves did to them , then when like 50 single guys came out to join the forum, it was like Player's Ball '02 up in there. I've never seen so many women thirsty and vying for a man's attention since Freaknik.It was ridiculous. And the saddest part was ,the show's intent was for us to become more confident and sure of ourselves before allowing a man into the fold. Yeah, whatever. As soon as that man - meat was rolled out all focus was lost. Wack I tell you.
     Ive said all that to say this: ladies, we have to do better. Ask yourself, what man wants a woman, a partner , a wife, who's always complaining. Has a problem with everything and everyone. Who never sees the simple pleasures in life. NONE. Hell, I dont want a man like that.Its old. We have become so conditioned by this " I dont NEED a man" mentality that its crippling us. Bad relationships happen, I would know. It doesnt mean that all men are devils though. Ive dated all types, my beloved artist, the corporate guy, dope boys, and I had fun with them. Even if we didnt 'happen',the one thing is that I learned something from the experience. Being alone can be hard, but it doesnt have to be the end. Look into self to see how the next time can be better. Make changes today , before time beats your ass, and youre known as the crazy cat lady up the street...

This Ol' Heart Of Mine...

 Eh, another Valentine's Day is upon us, and depending on the state of affairs concerning your love life, youre either happy as hell or ready to shoot a few people. Im still solo like Mario Van Peebles, but Im not lonely. As far fetched as it may seem, Im longing for 'him', the one that will come along purely by accident and force me to give in to that "loving feeling". Yes. I confess. Im a romantic like the rest of you suckas out there. It just takes that special something to make me feel it. Although I hate to admit it, Im trying my best to kick my residual feelings for You Know Who and at times theyre beating the hell outta me like Penny's mother on Good Times. Im still missing the hell outta him, and I pray everyday to just be over it . Instead of  catching weirdos in my bushes, calling my phone private,and having hidden fiancee's, one day I hope to have that something real to call my own. The one I wont let get away. Who I will be proud to call mine. Who wont bore the sh*t out of me. The one who wont let ME get away. Who I wont mind coming home to instead of crying in the car at the very thought. He who will actually cherish me.He doesnt have to be a rapper , an artist,  a pretty boy, a superhero. He does have to be real though. Cant say Im in the mood for accepting anything else. I dont want Mr. Wrong, whoever the fu*k that is .I dont want perfect. I want an all true man. He has the be courageous enough to step to me head up and throw that cool sh*t out the window. Im still wringing the dirty dishwater out from the fabric of my heart. Hopefully soon I'll be in the right place to accept him when he comes.Being alone can suck, but not as much as carrying a torch for someone who kept it moving like Soul II Soul...

Walking On Cuz Im Wiser....

          At this very moment , my mind is a jumbled mess . Im still wide awake at nearly 3 AM playing instrumentals, writing (or at least trying to) ,and fielding some of the most unadulterated foolishness ever. Y'all know that right now Im solo like a 'red cup',and Im simply reveling in this comfort and peace . I deserve it after that stretch of what I know had to be a practical joke on my very existence. Today , from three individuals that know nothing of one another, I got the " So you dont mess with me no more" call/text. Wow. It only took a month( or more) of me not acknowledging your presence for you to figure that out huh? Hip hip hooray for public school education...
         I know pure uncut bullsh*t when I see it. The types of relationships that I had with these guys held no future , and with each of them I knew that from jump. It got real old and boring fast. Besides , Im still nursing wounds from U Know Who, and overcompensating with multiple personalities didnt fix a thing. Made it sting a little more when after a date  or a conversation Im left unfulfilled , missing the type of chemistry I had with "him". Yes , I said it . I still miss him . It was the closest thing I'd had to an actual relationship in a few years ,so why not? I sometimes light a candle  and play "We Reminisce Over You",in loving memory of the good times we had, you know. It wasnt ALL terrible...

         Who doesn't want happiness ,peace,and a love of their own? I certainly do , but the woman in me wouldnt allow the idiotic behavior to continue. Sometimes our selfish and /or carnal desires must take a backseat to our heartfelt convictions. I damn near had to make myself believe I really liked these fellas, so that already lets you know there was nothing to be had . I have never been the type of woman that needed a man to feel complete,but that's exactly what I did with them  by using them to fill the cracks of my broken heart .  Im wiser now. And Im still single as a dollar bill....

Going For Dolo...

     Please oh please dont call the people on me for neglecting yall. Its been a few weeks since my last post but between work, my baby and what seemed to be the resurgence of SARS, my time has been limited . I dont have long tonight, but I knew I had to holla at my people. Things have been pretty good as of late. No complaints. 2012 has been awesome thus far and I see nothing but excellence in the future. Besides faith and favor(my Grandmother would be pissed if I didnt mention that first),I had to make some significant changes on my own.I told yall last time about how I had to cut some suckas loose. Well I did that ,plus taking time out to acknowledge what  I will and will not deal with . Im so over spending time to pass the time. If Im not interested that's just it. I had one man get upset because I wont ring his phone off the hook. Helllllooooo, McFly,I dont do that sh*t!! Its just not in me to chase/sweat/stalk any man . Wont happen ,and seemingly today thats what these new dudes,some of them anyway , want and expect women to do. If it doesnt feel right Im not going, plain and simple.I had to figure out that I kept getting the same results because of me. Sure there were different players in the game , but the conclusion  never changed. In addition to the great Rapper Dude fiasco last year, it all became tiresome and monotonous. I never want to become one of those bitter "aint no good black men" types, so I began the transformation within myself. Ive encountered men who are confused, angry , playing the field with absolutely no skill, not to mention,'wack action'....nah son. A change had to come. I love the place Im in right now.Its not easy being fly ,but if removing myself from mayhem for just a little while is necessary, its all worth it...

Thanks For Coming Out- Good Night, God Bless...

     Happy New Year , Ladies and Gents! 2012 has arrived and we have 12 whole months to embark on new Shenanigans. Its going to be an awesome ride and I simply cannot wait to see what the new year has in store . If the first three days are any indication , we're going to have a ball,and Im going to talk plenty sh*t. With that being said, I have a little story to tell. Join me , will you????

     Already, Ive had to pull a Nino Brown and cancel a few muthaphu*as. Damn. Y'all couldnt wait til February to cut the natural born fool?? Oh well. Before the new year hit ,like at a random moment ,say 2:47 PM on December 27th, I woke up with a sudden renewed spirit. I mean, Im still me and I havent transformed into some all knowing super peaceful life coach guru or anything,but I just felt good about getting to know myself,really know myself and what I will and will not continue to deal with. I feel much more assured of what I want. I admit ,boredom propels me to do a lot of things that I of sound mind know I should not engage in. Well, I guess I'll start knitting, making mixtapes or pickling beets or something to combat that cuz last year I wasted a lot of time on people that didnt deserve to experience the Kid DiddyBop. Disappointment one after another,I finally got it.Apparently what I was doing wasnt working ,otherwise I would have different results. So being sweet to those that werent  sweet to me was just poor decision making. I decided to change things. Even though they were assh*le moves, I did a couple things , like delete and block some phone numbers, Facebook contacts, even peaced out one on his birthday .Yeah well. I dont like liars,cheapskates or extra sensitive dudes. Well, ya girl had to chuck them dueces and Keep On like D Train. Rapper Dude, Dread Head Dude, Hustle Dude, yeah, your expiration date has passed....