This Some Bull...

What the hell?  As of late , every man I meet is married or still living his " How to be a Player: lifestyle.  Sometimes its both. Dating sucks . So when people ask why I've sometimes reverted to dealing with those from the past, shoot. I know them. Terrible ways and all.  Dudes 45 still in the club all week. You're at that age bruh. Who's gon take you to your prostate exam appointment? Ya mama?  All you married  fellas still playing. Youre just awful.  And somehow ladies hold out hope they're going to leave home. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not willingly anyway.  Just wish there was a "no bullshit" button I could press when I meet someone.  Cuz man. Its rough out here...

If Too Short Retired, Why Can't I?

So the time has come. Im at a point in my life where I'm ready. Not to say it hasnt happened before, but now I've grown so far beyond what's considered dating in the new millennium that I'm ready to retire my jersey and cry as I see it hung from the rafters. Casual dating is no longer the move for me. Too many different personalities,  issues, hangups, and just to be honest, I'm bad with names. Now I did just "kick it" with a few fellas since my last relationship and it wasnt all bad. I usually had a good time. There was even that one time I fell in love. But that was under the strangest of pretenses and we all know how disastrous that turned out. Despite that, I feel its time to settle down. Its not about kids because frankly, I consider myself complete in that department. Its about having learned so much from my past and about myself and knowing (finally) what I want. How much Im willing to give. Understanding the difference between compromise and being taken advantage of.  Getting the fact that shit happens but trusting my partner enough to want to fight the good fight. Knowing that there's still a lot of love left in me to give to that one special person.  At last knowing that I'm special enough to be loved like I want to be....

Freedom...

               So we've finally reached our conclusion...The point where 'we' have gotten completely out of control and MUST end . Im hurt beyond belief at this very moment but this needed to happen. Y'all know this. LOL. I cant blame this all on him because Im a grown woman and was a willing participant .Let's be honest here. I fell in love with him. Hard. Explaining to others and expecting them to truly understand really does this situation no justice . I had so many questions. Why did I fall as deep as I did? How and why did I keep it alive as long as I did ? Was the intimacy good. Of course. It was awesome. Was that all there ever was? No . Is that all we will ever be? Yes. He is NOT my friend. He is NOT my homie. Not even an ex-boyfriend .He is now a former lover. That's it, that's all. I used to try to rationalize a lot of his behavior and the truth is , I cant . He may have only wanted to be intimate. He may have actually cared very deeply for me . Whichever it is , it really doesn't matter anymore . That was three years of me running face first into a brick wall .Me wanting to stop , yet allowing him back and we start our craziness all over again. Me saying Im done and then him calling incessantly , leaving countless voicemails, emails, finally resorting to showing up at my house unannounced . But I fell again and let him in . Let him back into my home and my heart , two places he no longer belonged. In the end Im the one who lost. He's not leaving his situation , even though strangely enough that's not really what I aimed for . Ultimately I wanted to know that I had a piece of his heart .That one little corner that had my name on it and no one else's . It may very well be , but I may never know . I lost myself in a man that seems to have certain insecurities and needs the attention of more than one person at a time . I wont be a part of that roster. Our last game was played a few nights ago after a very uncomfortable exchange in my living room . So now ,I have to don a pretty yet brave face whenever we cross paths . Its almost inevitable but I have to deal with that. I have to focus and keep my composure , no matter how ridiculous the situation might be. Learn to be strong. Learn to pay attention to my intuition . Above all, learn that real love will never leave me broken ,crying and eating saltines in my bed. Learn to let this pain die so the joy within me can live again . My days of loving the source of my pain are done ...

To Mz.Diva On Her 37th Birthday...

     January 1st seems to take so long to come around,but when it does I bask in it. The one day that I declare to be mine. Sure I share it with a million others(including an older brother, yes, tis true), but I enjoy everything that my birthday brings. I also take the time to reflect on the previous 365 ,its ups and downs and the lessons Ive learned. I can start by saying that although 2013 was quite challenging, it took me places truly unforeseen . I was the happiest that Ive been in years.
     Starting last year was a little tough. I lost my job that Id been working for 5 years. I somehow stayed incredibly ill, which I found out had to do a lot with the stress from said job. It didn't happen overnight, but slowly as time wore on, my worries grew less troublesome. Something happened to my attitude that I truly cannot explain. I began to understand that there were many things out of my direct control , therefore there was no sense in me troubling my mind over them. I could feel the weight of many things removed immediately. I began meditating. Watching less tv. Exercising. Eating better. Exploring this great city around me. Most importantly, spending more time with my son, who's 6 going on 60. Waking every morning with him and being around more after his day at school meant more than you know. The hustle and bustle of life takes those precious moments away. Im so happy that I was able to get a piece of that back.
     Life began to be a pleasure instead of a constant chore. I made a pledge to myself to try more restaurants and live shows and I did just that. I saw more hip hop shows than I can remember at this very moment. Met some really awesome people. Went on some UNBELIEVABLE dates(good and weird), and began to learn what it means to come into my own as a grown woman. Don't get me wrong, there were still twists and turns, but I began to manage them and my reaction to them much better. Again, learning that everything that happened was not under my control, and having to be okay with that. I came to grips with the fact that I was still emotionally tied to 'him', and that the first step to recovery from that madness was admitting it. Im so glad I did. Slowly but surely, those ties began to loosen themselves. Im excited to report that Im nearly free from those ties that bound me for three long, crazy years...
     I see the year ahead being a wonderful challenge. I anticipate more of what I enjoyed last year, and also understand that there may be hurdles. I continue to pray for the strength to move past them. Im at a place in my life where I welcome love again. Not for the sake of rushing because I  hear an imaginary clock ticking, but for the sake of knowing its real and its out there, waiting for me . True, honest, loyal love that I anticipate giving back in the grandest way possible. Building my knowledge of self. Continuing to nurture my little one . Doing what I love for those I love and others. Last but certainly not least, continuing to accept and love me for me. 36, you were good but you're gone now. 37 has a lot more in store for me, and I have a feeling we're going to have a ball....

And God Said "Ha!!!" ...

Back in the days when I was a teenager, I dreamed of becoming a filmmaker. And DJ. And lawyer. And, well, you get the point I'm trying to make here. I wanted to go away to college and live like the kids on A Different World (without Whitley's bougie ass) and I had big plans and even greater desires. Then life called and left a message that said ,ahem," You can't always get what you want...". Yeah. Exactly. I didn't go away to school and gained 40 lbs that first semester after high school graduation; eating  myself further into my depression. Eh. Then I registered for school so I could start the following January and everything began to fall into place. Fast forward a few years to 2002 when 2 months prior to graduation I had a terrible accident where I broke everything from my assh*le to my appetite. The surgical team had to call Humpty Dumpty's homies to come put me back together because I was a shattered mess. Literally. I managed to come out the following year though. Proud of that I must say. However with so much focus on my recovery I didn't take job searching seriously. I'll be the very first to admit that. I worked a small job that I really didn't like but it was cool. I lived at home with my folks, no bills or responsibility, so I was good. Then I decided to get grown and moved in with 'Him'. Put on the Family Matters music folks, because this is where things get tragic. My first 'grown up' relationship, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. More drama than VH1 and Bravo reality programming schedules COMBINED. Geezus !!! Finally came my little one, and life sent me back to back text messages that told me I needed a job. Any job, because now I had a mouth to feed besides my own. Shit got real, and I had to grow up real quick.  Never mind that I was like 30, but when you've never had to do it before its something out of this world. I again entered a job that I didn't like and began to hate, but I had to do it. Fast forward to 2013 and I lost that job. I got an email from the man upstairs that told me everything happens for a reason. Financially things are rather berserk right now but somehow Im the happiest Ive been in more than a decade. All those aspirations I had when I was a kid and life saw a different path. We make plans to map out what we believe will be an easy road and the heavens above say " Stop! Wait a minute!" I had to realize that while I have a certain amount of control, I don't have the final say. None of us do. That's when I just smile, as I opened a fortune cookie that read "Laughter makes it all a little better". I laughed. And just like that , I felt better....

Got To Be Real....

         Cuffing season is upon us yet again . You already know: you BS'ed all summer with folks who either didnt matter or you had high hopes for,and now its do or die time. I cant really say I did either. I mean, I went on a few dates but homie seems REALLY busy (or just plain uninterested) and thats pretty much the end of that story. Non eventful.And everyone knows non eventful equals complete and utter boredom for one Ms. Diva. Eh. Better luck next time. But as I see people,friends,and associates meet potential matches made in heaven, Im like 'What the hell am I doing wrong?' Well, I don't know if its completely wrong, but Ive gotten down to the bottom of this Scooby Doo mystery called my love life...
          I used to get miffed when people would ask me why I didnt have a man. I did. Id get real pissed because 1) its none of their business and 2)I wondered the same damn thing. After so many moons of absolute romantic blunders, I figured a few things out...
          As much as it burns my lips to say this, I admit I was still in love(or whatever,LOL) with Dude. Ive purposely sabotaged decent dates because honestly my heart wasnt ready. I told myself and all of you that I was done,UHH UHH, no ma'am,Iam over him! Not a chance. I knew for certain when everywhere I turned I saw his face and heard his voice, tossed and turned in bed missing his comfort and broke out in stone cold crying fits on more than one occasion. Yes. It happened. So my first step towards recovery was being real with myself because I denied my feelings for so long. Then I realized that I was totally spoiled by the first of my 'only five boyfriends' and somehow expected these new age men to behave the same way. Not to say that type of man no longer exists because I know they do, but I think most of them took an extended vacation off the coast of Bali or some shit and didnt bother to tell me.While I wondered where all the  good guys went , I remembered that I treated the hell outta some of them because of my widdle feelings that still remained.(Whoops).Finally I saw an old friend(a 20+ year homie) that I used to be MADLY in love with when I was a mere Diva In Training and I reflected on the pure and honest way I felt about him and only a few after. That spark. That little something extra that would make me smile for no reason at all. That made me forget all my cares and worries.That made me know love was real and not a figment of the imagination. Truth is I want to feel all of  that again and lately it just wasnt there.I tried,but I suppose its not genuine if you have to push too hard...
           So fast forward to today. Ive been honest with myself (and now all of you ) about my needs and wants. Do I expect to marry Prince Charming tomorrow? No. But I will allow myself to see what is out there without automatically putting my privacy wall up. I know this is a crazy world and I need to be guarded on some level, but not to the extent that I had been. That was ridiculous. I need to be truthful and stop using people to pass the time if I know good and gaddamn well they are placeholders. I dont want anyone to do that to me,so  when it did and I found out what time it was , it sucked. I no longer want to be responsible for anyone's hurt feelings. Ive had mine hurt enough. Just ask the clean-up crew at Walgreens about that situation in aisle 4...

Getcho WHOLE Life...

Why does like/love have to be so hard? I mean, its not hard to feel those feelings, but when you find someone that you can express them with, there's often some foolery in the mix that's unnecessary. I like/love you. You like/love me. So what's the gaddamn problem ? Ive NEVER ventured into a situation only to tell homie that Ive changed my mind. Or suddenly disappeared. Or got married. The one that gets even the slightest pass got locked up in the midst of us dating, so he doesnt count. But the others? What the hell is that? As if I look like I just waste my time for fun. No. I dont. If I was looking for games I'd be addicted to that freaking Candy Crush like everyone else! It sucks that ,even briefly, that one person makes me look at men completely different,like they all have tails and devil horns when I know that isnt the case. When they play the super nice guy but are assholes all the same. Its really pretty sad. Its incidents like this that keep people in a shell , never wanting to open themselves up to anyone, even someone who may be that real deal. If youre not ready to get into a situation with someone, just dont do it. Dont get into it to pass the time only to later have some grand epiphany that you simply are not ready to give yourself to anyone just yet. If thats how you feel, do something else! Read a book. Do laundry. Do the Kid N Play with your next door neighbor, but dont hurt someone that youve lured into your life. That is very messy and tacky. In the end, you wont be friends and you wont have that person's respect. And you Sir, certainly do not have mine. GOOD DAY!!!