Freedom...

               So we've finally reached our conclusion...The point where 'we' have gotten completely out of control and MUST end . Im hurt beyond belief at this very moment but this needed to happen. Y'all know this. LOL. I cant blame this all on him because Im a grown woman and was a willing participant .Let's be honest here. I fell in love with him. Hard. Explaining to others and expecting them to truly understand really does this situation no justice . I had so many questions. Why did I fall as deep as I did? How and why did I keep it alive as long as I did ? Was the intimacy good. Of course. It was awesome. Was that all there ever was? No . Is that all we will ever be? Yes. He is NOT my friend. He is NOT my homie. Not even an ex-boyfriend .He is now a former lover. That's it, that's all. I used to try to rationalize a lot of his behavior and the truth is , I cant . He may have only wanted to be intimate. He may have actually cared very deeply for me . Whichever it is , it really doesn't matter anymore . That was three years of me running face first into a brick wall .Me wanting to stop , yet allowing him back and we start our craziness all over again. Me saying Im done and then him calling incessantly , leaving countless voicemails, emails, finally resorting to showing up at my house unannounced . But I fell again and let him in . Let him back into my home and my heart , two places he no longer belonged. In the end Im the one who lost. He's not leaving his situation , even though strangely enough that's not really what I aimed for . Ultimately I wanted to know that I had a piece of his heart .That one little corner that had my name on it and no one else's . It may very well be , but I may never know . I lost myself in a man that seems to have certain insecurities and needs the attention of more than one person at a time . I wont be a part of that roster. Our last game was played a few nights ago after a very uncomfortable exchange in my living room . So now ,I have to don a pretty yet brave face whenever we cross paths . Its almost inevitable but I have to deal with that. I have to focus and keep my composure , no matter how ridiculous the situation might be. Learn to be strong. Learn to pay attention to my intuition . Above all, learn that real love will never leave me broken ,crying and eating saltines in my bed. Learn to let this pain die so the joy within me can live again . My days of loving the source of my pain are done ...

To Mz.Diva On Her 37th Birthday...

     January 1st seems to take so long to come around,but when it does I bask in it. The one day that I declare to be mine. Sure I share it with a million others(including an older brother, yes, tis true), but I enjoy everything that my birthday brings. I also take the time to reflect on the previous 365 ,its ups and downs and the lessons Ive learned. I can start by saying that although 2013 was quite challenging, it took me places truly unforeseen . I was the happiest that Ive been in years.
     Starting last year was a little tough. I lost my job that Id been working for 5 years. I somehow stayed incredibly ill, which I found out had to do a lot with the stress from said job. It didn't happen overnight, but slowly as time wore on, my worries grew less troublesome. Something happened to my attitude that I truly cannot explain. I began to understand that there were many things out of my direct control , therefore there was no sense in me troubling my mind over them. I could feel the weight of many things removed immediately. I began meditating. Watching less tv. Exercising. Eating better. Exploring this great city around me. Most importantly, spending more time with my son, who's 6 going on 60. Waking every morning with him and being around more after his day at school meant more than you know. The hustle and bustle of life takes those precious moments away. Im so happy that I was able to get a piece of that back.
     Life began to be a pleasure instead of a constant chore. I made a pledge to myself to try more restaurants and live shows and I did just that. I saw more hip hop shows than I can remember at this very moment. Met some really awesome people. Went on some UNBELIEVABLE dates(good and weird), and began to learn what it means to come into my own as a grown woman. Don't get me wrong, there were still twists and turns, but I began to manage them and my reaction to them much better. Again, learning that everything that happened was not under my control, and having to be okay with that. I came to grips with the fact that I was still emotionally tied to 'him', and that the first step to recovery from that madness was admitting it. Im so glad I did. Slowly but surely, those ties began to loosen themselves. Im excited to report that Im nearly free from those ties that bound me for three long, crazy years...
     I see the year ahead being a wonderful challenge. I anticipate more of what I enjoyed last year, and also understand that there may be hurdles. I continue to pray for the strength to move past them. Im at a place in my life where I welcome love again. Not for the sake of rushing because I  hear an imaginary clock ticking, but for the sake of knowing its real and its out there, waiting for me . True, honest, loyal love that I anticipate giving back in the grandest way possible. Building my knowledge of self. Continuing to nurture my little one . Doing what I love for those I love and others. Last but certainly not least, continuing to accept and love me for me. 36, you were good but you're gone now. 37 has a lot more in store for me, and I have a feeling we're going to have a ball....