Freedom...

               So we've finally reached our conclusion...The point where 'we' have gotten completely out of control and MUST end . Im hurt beyond belief at this very moment but this needed to happen. Y'all know this. LOL. I cant blame this all on him because Im a grown woman and was a willing participant .Let's be honest here. I fell in love with him. Hard. Explaining to others and expecting them to truly understand really does this situation no justice . I had so many questions. Why did I fall as deep as I did? How and why did I keep it alive as long as I did ? Was the intimacy good. Of course. It was awesome. Was that all there ever was? No . Is that all we will ever be? Yes. He is NOT my friend. He is NOT my homie. Not even an ex-boyfriend .He is now a former lover. That's it, that's all. I used to try to rationalize a lot of his behavior and the truth is , I cant . He may have only wanted to be intimate. He may have actually cared very deeply for me . Whichever it is , it really doesn't matter anymore . That was three years of me running face first into a brick wall .Me wanting to stop , yet allowing him back and we start our craziness all over again. Me saying Im done and then him calling incessantly , leaving countless voicemails, emails, finally resorting to showing up at my house unannounced . But I fell again and let him in . Let him back into my home and my heart , two places he no longer belonged. In the end Im the one who lost. He's not leaving his situation , even though strangely enough that's not really what I aimed for . Ultimately I wanted to know that I had a piece of his heart .That one little corner that had my name on it and no one else's . It may very well be , but I may never know . I lost myself in a man that seems to have certain insecurities and needs the attention of more than one person at a time . I wont be a part of that roster. Our last game was played a few nights ago after a very uncomfortable exchange in my living room . So now ,I have to don a pretty yet brave face whenever we cross paths . Its almost inevitable but I have to deal with that. I have to focus and keep my composure , no matter how ridiculous the situation might be. Learn to be strong. Learn to pay attention to my intuition . Above all, learn that real love will never leave me broken ,crying and eating saltines in my bed. Learn to let this pain die so the joy within me can live again . My days of loving the source of my pain are done ...