Cuffing season is upon us yet again . You already know: you BS'ed all summer with folks who either didnt matter or you had high hopes for,and now its do or die time. I cant really say I did either. I mean, I went on a few dates but homie seems REALLY busy (or just plain uninterested) and thats pretty much the end of that story. Non eventful.And everyone knows non eventful equals complete and utter boredom for one Ms. Diva. Eh. Better luck next time. But as I see people,friends,and associates meet potential matches made in heaven, Im like 'What the hell am I doing wrong?' Well, I don't know if its completely wrong, but Ive gotten down to the bottom of this Scooby Doo mystery called my love life...
I used to get miffed when people would ask me why I didnt have a man. I did. Id get real pissed because 1) its none of their business and 2)I wondered the same damn thing. After so many moons of absolute romantic blunders, I figured a few things out...
As much as it burns my lips to say this, I admit I was still in love(or whatever,LOL) with Dude. Ive purposely sabotaged decent dates because honestly my heart wasnt ready. I told myself and all of you that I was done,UHH UHH, no ma'am,Iam over him! Not a chance. I knew for certain when everywhere I turned I saw his face and heard his voice, tossed and turned in bed missing his comfort and broke out in stone cold crying fits on more than one occasion. Yes. It happened. So my first step towards recovery was being real with myself because I denied my feelings for so long. Then I realized that I was totally spoiled by the first of my 'only five boyfriends' and somehow expected these new age men to behave the same way. Not to say that type of man no longer exists because I know they do, but I think most of them took an extended vacation off the coast of Bali or some shit and didnt bother to tell me.While I wondered where all the good guys went , I remembered that I treated the hell outta some of them because of my widdle feelings that still remained.(Whoops).Finally I saw an old friend(a 20+ year homie) that I used to be MADLY in love with when I was a mere Diva In Training and I reflected on the pure and honest way I felt about him and only a few after. That spark. That little something extra that would make me smile for no reason at all. That made me forget all my cares and worries.That made me know love was real and not a figment of the imagination. Truth is I want to feel all of that again and lately it just wasnt there.I tried,but I suppose its not genuine if you have to push too hard...
So fast forward to today. Ive been honest with myself (and now all of you ) about my needs and wants. Do I expect to marry Prince Charming tomorrow? No. But I will allow myself to see what is out there without automatically putting my privacy wall up. I know this is a crazy world and I need to be guarded on some level, but not to the extent that I had been. That was ridiculous. I need to be truthful and stop using people to pass the time if I know good and gaddamn well they are placeholders. I dont want anyone to do that to me,so when it did and I found out what time it was , it sucked. I no longer want to be responsible for anyone's hurt feelings. Ive had mine hurt enough. Just ask the clean-up crew at Walgreens about that situation in aisle 4...
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